And now, friends, it’s time for another edition of “Why is That a Thing?” In the past, if you’ll recall, these lists have consisted of things like “A container for a PopTart that is shaped like a giant Pop Tart,” the concept of getting up at 3am to save money on Black Friday, and the mystery of the 134 freeway in Los Angeles. If one of these things doesn't make you stop what you're doing and laugh out loud, then I have not done my job.
I keep a list of things that actually catch my attention enough for me to write them down, so that I may discuss their absurdity in the future in the hope of entertaining you. Here is what’s making my list lately.
Turbo Tax iPhone app. Um….how can I say this so that it will sink in? This is your financial future we’re talking about, dude, not a game of Angry Birds. Take the time to use your real computer to file your taxes, ok? Why are you speeding through your tax return while you’re on the toilet? Your finances deserve full screen resolution and possibly a financial professional. Besides, how can you even see all that information on a smartphone interface? Don’t you still kind of need a box full of receipts and bank statements and such to do your taxes?
Pajama Jeans. Just…oh my God. Listen, I don’t want to be mean (that’s not true, I totally want to be mean), if you can’t fit your ass into a regular pair of jeans, no matter what the size, put down the phone. You do not need a pair of pajama jeans. You need a gym membership and a maybe a smack on the head. I declare Pajama Jeans to be the indicator that America is tumbling off the obesity cliff. Oh, and also? They’re ugly.
Biggest Loser Fitness Cruise. It’s good in concept, but aren’t cruises notorious for being settings where you alternately eat nine times a day/ are too nauseated and tired to work out? This does not seem like a conducive environment for weight loss (is all I'm saying).
Speaking of things that are weird and possibly unnecessary, I just started seeing ANOTHER totally weird cat food commercial. I've watched it three times now, and it's still funny.
Please watch this, and then we'll discuss.
Wow. Does this cat food have LSD in it? What is going on with those animated turkeys? Holy shit, are those the turkeys that were used to make the cat food? Are those zombie turkeys, man? Why is the cat's journey continued on a boat? Don't cats hate water? How does this cat know how to operate the boat? Maybe it's powered by magic, and also LSD. Clearly this commercial is making me freak out.
In other LSD news, apparently they are also giving it to SpongeBob Squarepants, perhaps as payment for this Cheese Nips endorsement. SpongeBob is looking higher than Lucky the Leprechaun at a rave, y'all. Holla!!
Seriously, why does his mouth need to be that big? Don't you think this whole thing looks like he is a little bit insane, not like he's just so happy about the Cheese Nips? GAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Get him some orange slices and take him to the Bad Trip tent to mellow out.
Finally, in the "late entry" category, we have this fantastic commercial sent to me this very morning-- a commercial that, I might say, makes me so uncomfortable that I am embarrassed to be alive. I do believe these people are singing to their poop, ladies and gentlemen. Singing to poop. Also, I'm going to be the one to say it-- I belive they used the tuba in the music for this commercial because the sound made by a tuba is not unlike a fart.
Enjoy! Oh, and please-- send me all the ridiculious photos and advertisements you want. I really enjoy the fact that I occupy that space in people's minds. "Toilet commercial-- oh my God! Culwell must know about this!"
